Monday, June 12, 2017

Journal Ramble Day - Sometimes It Sucks to Not Feel the Gratitude Anymore

Once upon a time there was the beginning of a relationship. Both of you did little gestures that signified that you were falling in love. One was always stating the kind things you did that made them feel good while the other felt so in love because they knew they were appreciated and truly loved. Then as time when on the beginning of the relationship became no more a beginning, but a middle and after stressful times the distance grew between these people, the showing and discussion of gratitude stopped. Sure perhaps, they still felt love but no more were the little gestures and kind words spoken. No more did she hear that she was his world and she started to wonder, is this how all relationships go? Do they get to the point where you just assume that once you have the love of one that it always stays? I have heard that this is what happens, but I have also heard that when two people have committed to love, they work through it and realize that their partner isn't feeling appreciated and they start showing that appreciation again .

Just as he wants to hear that I think he’s amazing still, I want to hear that I am. I sit here working day in and day out, watching all of the cash I make leave my hands and there are times when my kids need something and I can’t get it because the funds have to go back into something else. Then through all that I have done to become drained, exhausted and still continue on with strength, as the days pass I feel like those moments are forgotten. Once upon a time there was a relationship where the man said the lady deserved something special for all that she was doing and continued to do in standing by his side through difficult times. Those precious moments made me feel loved, they made me feel appreciated and now I don't hear those things. I don't hear the appreciation of all that I truly do in a day. While I don't need that all of the time as I know I am awesome and strong, if I am going to e in a relationship I don't want to be felt like I am taken for granted, because I freaking do a LOT.

It seems, perhaps, that only when someone has gone up and beyond is the love and appreciation shown – when hard times hit. Well consider this, a relationship needs to be celebrated when times are good too. The more I hear & read "I" and "me" and things that separate the unity of the relationship, the more I wonder, what happened to the man who was more focused on us, who seemed genuinely appreciative of all I did and continue to do? The man who made all efforts to show that each of the businesses we created were ours. All of the business/websites we run are a unity of his web developer skills, cold calling sales type skills and my social media promotion as well as customer service skills. Yet, most wouldn't even know that if they looked at some of the online chatter. Now I am like behind the scenes secretly promoting stuff that online isn't me, it's him. It sucks sometimes, in all honesty. Those days of feeling appreciated have disappeared. He often cites that I don’t talk about our relationship and sometimes it’s because he doesn’t either. I don’t feel motivated and loved in a way that encourages me to see beyond the present day.

Each day I work hard to write anywhere from 4-8 articles to sell to make sure that just our daily needs are satisfied, never mind the bigger picture of life that’s going on. I thank my amazing monthly clients for the bigger picture income, but I am tired and I am emotionally drained. I feel nothing much has changed since the accident and more often than not, the response of “I am still here, aren’t I?” makes me realize that the man who was so grateful to have me tend to his needs for nearly half a year while raising three kids, isn’t the same person today. It makes me sad and it bothers me. Stating that you are presently here doesn't make me feel loved, it just makes me feel like "ok he is here, great, what next?" I miss those kind words of citing that I did great things for him, that I was his other half, that I complimented him. I do try to verbalize my love like that but all I am met with is "I am glad" or simply replies and no words like he used to speak. Which makes me wonder what his bigger picture is with us? I don't feel it. I don't have a vision. He used to be so good at using adjectives and verbalizing the future, but it stopped and I simply stopped seeing it. I see today. I feel the love towards him, but I miss feeling the love from him.

All I want to hear is the praise and kind words, the words of him citing that I was his future wife, that I am doing something productive and good in our relationship but instead, I am met with simple sentences that merely say he is present and that of course he loves me or he wouldn't be here.
So today I sit and ponder, is this how the future will be? If so, I am not super happy about it because as each day passes I wonder if I am truly loved and just what the future does hold. He often looks at the bigger picture and he used to share that with me. I live in present moment but with him speaking the vision of our relationship, I could see it and in turn it was a great relationship goal to focus on.  I merely hope it's a phase of me feeling this way but gosh relationships are hard and this one shouldn't be.

Regardless of all of this, I keep chugging on. I have to work. I have to make money. For I am just one person but I have three who count on me, and I will forever do what is necessary to be their Mom because that is my # 1 job. Relationships come and go but motherhood, will be forever. We will see what the next chapter holds, but for today I am sad. I don’t feel the love in the way I did in the beginning and I am done making excuses … hoping that soon he will see the lost look in my eyes and realize he isn't doing what he used to do to win my heart, speaking in a way that he envisioned our future together.