Thursday, November 13, 2014

Even the Strong Ones Have Weak, Sad Mometns

I am not one to force myself into someone else life; I am a firm believer that if someone cannot take time at least once a week or once every couple of weeks to say hello and touch base, then I am not that important to them. I do not force people to be a part of my life, nor my children’s life. It’s that simple. I also hold no hard feelings for those who barely know anything about my life, but what does bother me is this;

When people complain that they are left out, never mentioned or not included when it is their own fault that they are feeling left out. For one, I don’t take for granted the various things people have done for me and many have been there for me as a teen, well they kind of had to, I was a minor. It seems now that I am an adult, with three busy children, and a business to run successfully, that many don’t care. If I fall on my face, oh they are right there to point fingers and tell me I suck and tell me how I make the worst decisions ever. 

Why are some people like that? People who are family and friends should be there during the great, good and not-so-good moments of life. I am finding myself very hurt lately, because I am trying to go out of my way to form some bond with a few people who I haven’t had the best bond with, yet it seems the expectations for who I should be versus who I am still are not matching up. In all reality, they won’t match up. I never much knew what anyone expected of me growing up, except maybe that I shouldn’t ever make bad choices.

Humans make bad decisions sometimes. We all walk paths we think are good for us then have to realize a right or left hand turn is required. We all do our best and I think I would be much happier if I had that support system, and if I were able to be that support system for others too. I have so many friends who can see me as this awesomely imperfect human being and friend, I just wish the ones I love the most and who have more knowledge of my past versus my present would really take some time to stop by, say hello, grab the phone and call.

I feel that my sister gets a lot of this love and support, which I have honestly discussed with my sister and she agrees that it is weird how different some of these people treat me versus her, considering the fact that my sister and I are like night and day in relation to who we are.  It is extremely weird that my sister is accepted and shown love no matter what mistakes she makes, yet I am here, watching as these people are there for her and when I need them, they are not here. I want to call them and chat quite often, but then I get questions about deep personal stuff instead and God forbid I say I am not happy, because apparently I am not allowed to be not-happy; it seems my not-happy reasons never seem good enough to them. I don’t want to explain myself; I simply want to have a healthy boundaries relationship with some of my family who I miss dearly. 

I am more guarded than my sister which I am sure causes some strain on the relationships. I also understand that since I am the first born, that the expectations for me were/are higher than her, whether the family wishes to admit that or not. Many put me up on this pedestal and I fell off it a long time ago. I like to think I am doing better and making better choices, I am being more positive and trying to be more understanding of their side of things, but my heart breaks. I sit here crying many nights, why? I am not sure, the relationships with some of my family have been this way forever, I guess it’s like my daughter says, “Sometimes we just have so much hope that we can’t let it go” … “sometimes hope is what gets us through to another day”

I just miss old connections and I hate that I feel as if I will never live up to the standards that some have set for me. 

This is the reality, no matter how confident one is, there is always a few people who mean the world to you, that can make you feel down and out sometimes. I know they love me, but then I wonder … why they can’t be a part of my world more often and in a more supportive way. 

I need support too, I am strong, but I have weak days, and lately praying is all I have to hang onto. I miss my loved ones, but maybe because I am having some challenging times, I am reading deeper into things. That is possible.