Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Mom Guilt Eats Me Up Everytime

I am someone who gets this guilt;

I yelled at my kids today - Oh my gosh are they going to grow up with anger issues because I yelled one day out of thirty? Doubtful, right? Exactly.

Oh my gosh my kid has a sickness, could I have given them more orange juice or washed their hands more frequently or something to have avoided this horrible sickness? Doubtful, right? Exactly.

So  why is it so hard to believe that one of my three children could simply just have been born wired in a way to have a mood disorder? Why can't I just realize this is who he is and I have been proactive in getting him into specialists for the past three years to ensure everyone was on top of his possible mood disorder.

I mean that is all one can do, fight as a parent for our child who can't fight doctors and specialists for himself. I have done the best I can do and will continue to do the best I can do for my middle child.

After watching my five year old go downhill this past week and a half today is what finally hit me hard and made me want to just cry for hours. Instead I called @mommadjane and told her what's going on and the funny thing is - she made me realize the good in what my son has and the good in the fact that I do have help and specialists are listening. Funny how I am usually the one trying to show MommaDjane the happy side of things and here I needed her on this day, but she came through and made me a little less sad.

So here we go again, I am wondering was it this or was it that? Is it how I felt when he was born? Is it the depression and how withdrawn from him I was when he was born? Honestly - NO - my sons counselor has assured me there is no way I could have caused a chemical imbalance for a mood disorder! It's not possible! Even though that is relieving, I am still MOM and I still catch myself with those "what ifs" popping into my head every so often.

I just have to realize - this is not my fault just like it's not my fault my sister has bi-polar - I didn't cause my sister to be bi-polar although some days she would like to say it was me beating her up all the dang time as young children, it really isn't my fault - no one "causes" a person to have a chemical imbalance which creates a mood disorder, such as bi-polar.

It's not your fault, it's not my fault --- it's just simply part of raising children - you take what you get and do the best you can with it!

Heading off to say that three times in the mirror so maybe I will believe it ;-)