Sunday, January 24, 2010

Having a Hard Time

I have always lived my life based on what other people think and expect of me. I also take into consideration other peoples feelings.Although it's great to think of whether or not you are going to hurt other people's feelings and it's nice to consider what others expect of you, overall your life should be lived based on what you enjoy, love and know is right in your heart.

As my husband and I live together longer knowing that come tax refund time we will be legally separating it's hard on me. Don't get me wrong I am not having a hard time because I want to be with my husband, by all means we need some long amounts of space to help the issues we have between us heal, too many wounds in the past couple years have led my heart astray. My heart isn't after anyone else but I have finally realized that enough is enough.

Divorce is a last resort for us, both my husband and I agree on taking time to do things the way we feel best. My family will not all agree with this decision and will/have seen it has giving up. I don't feel separating is giving up on your marriage, I feel separating is a way to ensure that space is all you two need. Let's say my husband moves out and after a period of time we come to realize the love we lost is there and the space helps rekindle it?! We are not willing to simply get a divorce right away and not allow time & space between us make our bond grow stronger. I am not saying that is exactly what I think will happen but I am saying I am willing to try to see if that is what our problem is.

I have never been one to trust a person again after they broke my trust, believe me I want to trust these people again but it's just not something I am capable of. After 7 years I still don't trust this person who destroyed my trust in the most horrible way, so we will see if I have grown enough to move forward and trust my husband again because after all the trust that was broken by someone else nearly 7 years ago was a very extreme situation.

I am simply having a hard time thinking about missing my two sons who I am with pretty much 24/7, I am going to miss them when they visit Daddy for the weekend. I am having a hard time financially hoping that I can continue to make money to pay the bills on my own between my virtual assistant business and two blogs. I know this is what is right but it just makes it hard knowing I am hurting someone, knowing that I want something another person doesn't want. I have always dated someone because they liked me, I haven't ever tried to date someone because I wanted to date them. I married my husband a very dependent woman and now I am a very independent woman. Maybe the fact that I have become extremely independent during our marriage is what is causing me to want to separate, I don't know. All I do know is that I feel like I am going to sink into a horrible state of depression if my husband doesn't move out and give us the space that is needed to test the waters and see if our hearts are led back together or not.

No matter how hard the decision to separate is, I am just reminding myself that this is much needed for my children and my well being. I can't be my best with this deteriorating relationship and that makes it hard for me to be the best mom and worker possible!

Make it a Happy Day!

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