Friday, April 28, 2017

4 Negatives You Can Turn into Positives in Your Relationship

There are often times when life gets the best of us and we start to focus on the negative in our world. Relationships are probably the thing that takes the most toll during these trying times. It’s easy to nitpick and poke at what doesn’t work in the relationship. Often times our human brain simply goes that route naturally, it takes work and focus as well as dedication to turn a negative mind into a positive mind. Today I wanted to share a few negatives that one could have in a relationship and counteract that with how you can turn it into a positive. 

Here goes … 4 Negatives You Can Turn into Positives

Negative Thought - “My partner takes weeks to get something done that I asked them to do!”

Positive Switch –Be appreciative that your partner does get that something done. Just because your partner takes longer than you desired, does not mean the scenario was a negative one. There are many couples who have a partner who do nothing, be grateful you have one who does something even if you feel it’s a snail’s speed.

Negative Thought – “My partner gets breaks more often than I do. They get to stay home, tend to the kids and even take naps!”

Positive Switch – Be aware that your partner may actually see your life of getting to go to work and then come home at the end of the day as something better than what they have to do all day. Taking a nap is surely a requirement after the load of stress they dealt with while managing your children and the house. 

Negative Thought – “I hate how my partner yells all of the time. I wish they would be calmer and realize how much the yelling stresses me out!”

Positive Switch – Here’s an idea, maybe your partner doesn’t realize how his/her yelling is impacting you. Try to have a reasonable conversation about the yelling to see if you two can come to a middle ground where patience is worked on. Sometimes our partner doesn’t realize something hurts you until you mention it. They can’t read our minds. 

Negative thought – “My partner is reactive, it just seems like they react to situations rather than thinking ahead to all probably outcomes and prepare. This fuels my anxiety and makes me so tense.”

Positive Switch – This is actually something I am working so here’s what I am attempting to do: does the situation get resolved? Does your partner step up and get things done? If their reactive brain is bothering you but at the end of the day you know they will pull thru, then just trust in that outcome. We can’t change how our partner handles situations but we can control our focus on the end result versus how they got there. 

Truth be told, relationships take work. As I find myself in a relationship that I truly enjoy and want to have forever and ever with, I too find myself in those negative thought patterns. My feelings get hurt and I sit here pissed off about something. It’s not easy to talk when I am pissed off or overtired, the words escape my mouth as some foul, mean and harsh words that I can never take back. 

Each time I spew out words when over tired, hurt or over anxious, I try to do better next time. I wake up with a new day ahead of me and try my hardest to learn how I can be a better person not only for my relationship but for myself. You see, these negative thoughts you catch yourself in will happen in any relationship, all relationships have issues, but if you can learn how to focus on the positive result of the negative thought … you will win the battle and in turn grow to have a thriving, long lasting relationship!

The Surprising Truth about Silent Treatment

I dislike writing about sensitive topics but I have always been an advocate to help spread light to emotional abuse and helping others know they can be strong! I am intrigued by learning more about psychology and what makes people tick. I often enjoy people watching, listening to people talk and trying to evaluate why some people do the things they do. Surely, as with any area in life, there’s no on size fits all answer for every person, but hopefully this information about silent treatment in a relationship will help guide you forward in knowing how harmful it can be and why silent treatment is deadly to your relationship. 

I was introduced to this being a form of emotional abuse in a relationship when an Instagram friend shared a little photo that had a few things listed out for signs that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. See emotional abuse is difficult to pinpoint, triggers for one person may not be a trigger for another. I have also found through research and experience that each of us can feel emotionally abused by different things. Emotional abuse happens often in life and can be something tiny that was simply a situation where someone mistakenly handled a situation in a way that left you feeling emotionally abused or it can be much more serious, an ongoing issue leaving you feeling full of fear, sadness and low self-esteem. 

What is Silent Treatment

According to this article, “The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight.”

To further add upon this question of what silent treatment is, we are talking about long term silence as a means to get the partner to come to see things your way. We are not discussing silent treatment that occurs in mild forms, for short periods of time as a means to figure out how to address a conflict within the relationship. Silent treatment in its dangerous form is a consistent long term ignoring of your partner, the kids and anyone else in the household. It leaves the partner being ignored full of anxiety, stomach aches and depression because they don’t have any clue what is going on. The person who is receiving the silent treatment learns quickly that they have to bow down to what their partner wants, listen to them speak and just agree in order to break the silent treatment and get rid of their anxiety. The problem is: this leaves the person who receives the silent treatment never fully 100% equal in the relationship. 

How to Cope with Silent Treatment

There’s honestly no way to cope with it, for the perpetrator truly feels this is the way to solve a problem and if it becomes a regular occurrence then you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You won’t ever feel confident to speak up for what matters, you won’t ever be heard and in turn you will be emotionally drained. This emotional stress will turn to medical issues because blood pressure will increase from stress and anxiety will increase from the feeling of being abandoned and shunned by your partner. You will never feel qualified to be this person’s partner and the person won’t leave unless you completely anger them to leave in a rage filled response. 

You will have to make a decision as to whether or not the silent treatment is something that has or will occur more frequently and make a solid decision to get help from trusted family and friends to get out of this situation if that’s what you decide is the answer. Often times a recurring situation of long-term silent treatment is just deadly, it’s deadly to the relationship and is a counterproductive way to try to resolve anything. 

Trying to Communicate

Sure you can try to communicate with the perpetrator who has given the long term silent treatment but they won’t see things your way. They will shake their head and make you feel crazy because you believe this is a form of emotional abuse. They see it is their way to get in control, to regain things to morph into what they want. They will use this as a tactic to get you to just agree with whatever they want because they feel they need to be heard and everything revolves around them. 

No matter how much hard work, effort and time you have given if you have gotten to the point you have medical issues, it’s time for change! This person who can implement a long term silent treatment has deeper things going on within them that you can’t help. You can’t save or change another human being, if you are with someone who uses this as a form to resolve conflict or punishment for speaking up for your beliefs, then you really need to get help for your own sanity and health. 

If you or someone you know is in a relationship where the long-term silent treatment is a part of their relationship, then seek help. There are many protective agencies for woman and men alike, you can speak to a therapist to help guide you towards seeing the true light of emotional abuse behind the silent treatment.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

The Only Mammals that Don't Listen to their Gut - Human Beings

Everyone has to make decisions based on their own experiences. It’s simply how human beings are. We are wired to not really hear the warnings or advice others are giving us. Sadly, this is what can lead to a bad path. Here’s the thing, everyone has their own wisdom to bring to the table regarding situations or people. I also firmly believe that two people are completely different when placed in different environments. For example, your ex may have been crazy with you but given a chance with someone else, who may be a better fit for them, they are a person you don’t even recognize (in a good way). 

Here’s the thing, you are ultimately the only person who knows what your gut is telling you. If you are spending time praying, watching the signs and everything is pointing to a scary or bad path then you and only you have to make a choice. Someone who isn’t a good person will not sit back and take kindly to what you have to say. Sadly, I am learning that break ups are cupcakes and rainbows. I have literally walked away from everything on multiple occasions simply to keep my sanity. I don’t do the whole freak out breakout, I am really over it. I take time to think about actions, words and what my dreams come to tell me. 

While I won’t divulge into my personal details as to why I think it’s important to listen to your gut, I can tell you this – my true gut instincts and ability to sense another person’s aura or energy around them has never steered me wrong. What steers me wrong is the feeling that I truly love someone and care about them. I have a hard time letting go when I should, when things spoken out loud all point to that protect yourself scenario because this isn’t going to turn out good. I like to think there’s some craziness in my dreams or subconscious playing tricks, while this could be true. One never knows for sure.  How I choose to live life is to go with what I know, again we all base our life upon experiences we have had, our beliefs and what we feel is right for our self.

I will end this with … if you are concerned for your safety, your sanity or fearful of another person you have let into your life please try not to wait until it’s too late. Speak up, seek counseling, whatever you need to do to sort out the thoughts so that you are able to make an intelligent decision based on reality. Our gut instinct is there for a reason and it has been proven that humans are the only mammals who don’t follow or listen to their gut. 

Good luck in all you need to do in life, you are strong, brave and you got this – whatever “this” is for you.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

There Must be Balance

Some people can live their life without much balance. The up and downs, the being pulled in many directions and no routine what so ever. Each of us have our own scenarios that work for us. For me, I need balance. I continuously find myself in situations where I feel like I have to give more than the other person. I give and give until I can’t give any longer. I feel like I work my butt off no matter if I have a partner. It’s this never ending battle of not having a break. While this makes me stronger, it often reminds me of why I do better when being a single mom. This isn’t a mean thing; it’s simply how it goes. 

While it’s easy to get thinking back to the idea that being a single mom is easier because you work your butt off and relationships seem to not alleviate that, it’s not always the way to go. You must be honest with yourself about how you truly feel. Open up and tell them how you envisioned things going, don’t let yourself get consumed by anger. Take time to think about what is working, what isn’t working and how change can happen. Sometimes when you start to feel like this, that being with someone isn’t offsetting any stress it’s simply a matter of adjusting. 

Now it’s best if you can speak to your partner about these feelings in a way that doesn’t lead down the path of arguments. It’s best if you two can talk kindly in a way that’s heard. That’s not always how this works so if you find yourself unable to get through to the other person, take time to get yourself back on track without thinking about the other person. This doesn’t make you a bad person nor does it necessarily mean the relationship is a failure. What this can mean is that you are putting yourself first in a way that’s important for you to get back to feeling less angry. 

Start to work towards a balance, if you still have to work a lot of hours to make ends meet, do it. You would do it anyways, if the relationship isn’t allowing you to feel less stress then just do what you do best. Work for you. Do for you. No, no, no this doesn’t mean that you stay in a relationship where you feel you are pulling more weight for far too long while you work towards something negative. It really just means that you can be in a relationship while working to be whole again. 

Once you have worked to get that balance back both physically and mentally in life, then you can make a good decision based on a clear thinking mindset. Don’t let yourself fade and stress as the result of a situation that isn’t fueling the best in you. Don’t make hasty decisions; try all avenues you can to make change towards balance before making a choice. One cannot make the best decisions when off balance. You can get balance back, you can get your mind back to a place of peace, and you can do so without taking too long if you simply make it a priority. 

Good luck with your work towards getting back, you got this!

When Anxiety is High and Gut Instinct Speaks to You

When you’ve experienced enough scenarios in your life to know when something is off and not right, your gut eats at you. You hear words that make everything all right, for the moment. You keep telling yourself that the words are true, but you’ve been here before. This situation feels all too familiar. Your anxiety creeps in and your gut is a mess. Yet you keep being told it’s all in your head. So you believe it’s all in your head. 

Do you wait years before it all unfolds, give in and believe you are thinking this stuff up? Do you go with your never failing gut and do what’s necessary to feel right again? These are tough questions sometimes. You want to believe life is simple and while it is in many ways, it’s not in others. You’ve heard one too many mean words that while not spoken in angry tones, they were spoken. You’ve heard one too many words that mark you as the crazy one, not able to move on from the past. Yet you have this feeling eating you up where you know, you just know something doesn’t fit anymore.

If you are in a situation where your gut instinct is telling you that you must make change and you can’t seem to have a steady period of time where you feel good, it’s time to make change. People come and go. The world changes and people do too. The person who’s telling you that it’s all in your head, isn’t deep within your soul to feel what you feel. Stop letting the words of others get in the way of your truest, deepest feeling that something isn’t right. 

This feeling that something isn’t right, that something doesn’t fit for you doesn’t have to mean anyone is up to no good, it can be as simple as you are in a scenario that doesn’t work for you. This doesn’t make either of you bad people, but when it starts to consume you to a point your anxiety is on high then you must adjust and make change to be you again. There’s no point in staying in a situation where your anxiety is fueled and you can’t the other person to see your side, how you feel and why you genuinely feel something’s not right. 

Work hard towards your future in a way that will better it, whatever that may be. Stand firm in decisions that allow you to get back to being whole. Stand firm in putting yourself first because when you are put second by anyone including yourself, things get off kilter and slowly you wilt away.