Thursday, August 30, 2018

You Don't Always Get What you Deserve

Life is funny in that we don't always get what we deserve. This holds true for the good and the bad. Sometimes bad people get away with bad things, even though they deserve a consequence or to get what they deserve in some shape or form. Also, good people have bad things happen to them, even when they truly are deeply good people.

Life isn't fair to any of us. We get tossed curve balls from time to time and have to adapt to whatever is thrown our way. The beauty about life is that it's a blessing to be able to experience all of the ups and downs with it. No matter who you are, where you came from, or how good or bad you may be, life is a beautiful ride for all of us.

One thing I've been thinking about a lot lately is the platforms that I built with my ex. While he physically built the systems with code, I built them by bringing my community in to use the platforms. Only later did I realize that I'd gone into business with someone who has very different business strategies than me, to say it nicely.

I remember times when I told the business partner that I didn't want to be in the personal relationship any longer. It had been getting so bad that my anxiety was skyrocketing and all I did was cry. I found it didn't matter how I said things, what I did, or how I approached the topic of things being off or not right in different areas, I got the same result - yelling and being told I was "beating him up" or "attacking him" with my words.

I literally had to just shut my mouth and play nice, or else everything would be held against me. Case in point, when I said I didn't want to be in the personal relationship he once, maybe even twice, shut down the platforms. Literally, just went in and hit some buttons, placed a little code, and in the middle of the night I ended up with a bunch of members from my community of longtime business people angry and confused as to why the platforms went down.

It seemed he enjoyed keeping the platforms over my head. If I wasn't going to be with him, then I wasn't going to be a part of the platforms. That's exactly how it seemed. The next time I tried to push to get out of the personal relationship, he switched the payment over to him. I really felt I had no choice but to stay in an unhealthy situation or lose something I helped build because he would take it from me, even though it's half mine. I literally couldn't stomach being in business or a personal relationship with him any longer.

I had my eyes opened wide to the manipulation that this man was capable of and it made me sick to my stomach. I was a kind, super patient partner in both business and personal.  I did all of the marketing hours to get the members into these platforms and just like that because I couldn't handle being in an unhealthy relationship, they got taken from me? Not cool and definitely not deserved.

Fast forward, things got so crazy that he ended up committing a crime against me. Just another sign that showed me the deep level of insecurity and control issues that this person had. That was it. Once I called the police that day all freaked out that I'd found a recording device in the home that neither my kids nor I put there, I knew it was the last straw for me. This was not ever going to happen again.

Well, I fought hard for my rights to be free, safe and happy again. Sadly, once a restraining order was issued, I figured I'd never see the light of day with the platforms that were only running so damn well because of my community who trusted me. I had a feeling this would play out the same way as it did in our personal relationship; if I'm not with him then I'm not having any part of the platforms.  This is another bologna part of the deal, I deserve half of the platforms I helped market to build members in. Period. That's what is deserved from a business perspective.

Sadly, I know trying to fight on my own for what's half mine would only cause much emotional strain and drama. Instead, I have to rise above the situation and remember that I won't always get what I deserve right away. I believe I deserve to get my half of what I built, on a regular basis from now forward, but what I know I deserve and what I'm getting are two different things. I have to do my best to have faith that my half will come to me, in time.

For now, I'm a single mom living without her kids. I haven't slept under the same roof as my kids in over two weeks and I miss them. I miss my regular life before my world got taken out from under me. I miss being able to wake up and get them breakfast. I miss doing the bedtime routine. I miss everything about being a full-time Mama.

While I do deserve half of what I built, unless it's full ownership, I don't foresee being able to get half when there's a restraining order issued against my ex to protect my kids and me from the emotional, manipulative game playing. I'm not angry about the situation, I do believe people eventually get what they deserve. I'm not one to place judgment, or consequence for a crime, I'm simply here wishing the right thing was done without strings attached. That I get half of the income from platforms that I helped market. Without me, those platforms would not have gotten to where they were and since the day I tried leaving him about a year ago, the platforms suffered greatly as he wasn't keeping up with support for the members. Well, some members got decent support, as he picked favorites, others, many others often complained to me about poor treatment and unprofessionalism from him. It broke my heart because customer satisfaction and service is my top priority with any business I'm part of.

It is what it is. I know that when I lay down to bed at night that I've had to make some difficult decisions but they were the right ones, and in time, everything is going to work out just fine.

Keep your head up! Not everyone gets what they deserve, but you're here, you're alive, and I'm sure you have friends and family on your side to help you through.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Narcissists Don’t Like Anyone Seeing them as Bad

I have done a lot of reading, researching and talking to others who’ve had the dealings with a narcissist at some point in their life. I’m blown away by how many people have dealt with someone who has this personality disorder. I am not quite sure I would call it a disorder; I mean we all have our issues, but for the case in point of this article, I am going to refer to narcissism as a personality disorder. I have found that narcissistic people aren’t who we grew up thinking they were. They are a unique set of human beings who have been harmed in such ways during their childhood, whether emotionally or physically, that this personality disorder is almost the result of a negative environment at some point in their life. 

I am not a psychologist, I have no idea what I’m talking about from a professional’s point of view, but I can share what I’ve learned during my research and listening to other people. Today I want to share a little bit about narcissist and the fact that they don’t like anyone seeing them as bad because this part of narcissism has intrigued me. These people who have this personality disorder will do awful things to those who fell in love with them or love them because they’re the parent. At the end of the day, I’ve learned that narcissists don’t mind the private battles of looking like a jerk, but they absolutely hate the outside world seeing them as bad. 

My common sense personality says that if you are tired of everyone seeing you as a bad person, then why don’t you adjust how you handle relationships, friendships, business, and other people then? Why can’t a narcissist see that they’ve burned every bridge built, and at some point, they’re going to meet their match. This means, at some point, they’re going to meet someone who stands up to them and walks away. At some point, a narcissistic is going to meet someone who realizes that whether this narcissist is the parent, a long-time friend or a significant other than they deserve better treatment and they can’t help this loved one be better. 

What happens when you stand up to a narcissist?

What happens when you stand up to a narcissist will depend on the circumstances? I’ve heard that they’ll do anything in their power to try to make it better. They don't want anyone seeing them as bad and they’ll get rather defensive if you try to explain the common sense side as to why they are not a good person or didn’t treat someone kindly. They will fight, argue, and raise their voice talking fast, gas lighting and twisting everything around so that you get confused. They pride themselves in being able to get loved ones to see their truth, which is usually layers of lies, as the actual truth. 

When you stand up to a narcissist, they have no idea what to do. You have just shattered their world and the norm that they've grown accustomed to. Most narcissists have lived their lives under a web of lies so thick that they don’t even know what’s true anymore, but admitting that would take a deep level of psychological help to undercover and most narcissists won’t admit that this is their truth. So when you stand up to a narcissist they are genuinely confused as to why you wouldn’t want them part of your world anymore or why you’d be cautious to go around them again. You see, most of us who’ve had to deal with a true narcissistic person, have come to realize that while they make promises of change, and they seem to show that they want to do better, reality is that given a few months or six months, heck sometimes even a year, everything will come out again and they’ll go back to what they how to do.

A narcissist cannot change without first truly feeling remorse, and while narcissists can admit remorse as a feeling, they don’t actually FEEL that deep within. They are saying things to get you wheeled back in. This situation of them trying to get you to wheel back into their life is all about them. Do not mistake their words for what is truth to them. Narcissists will tend to have long distance friendships, while they may still talk to people from their childhood; they keep them at a distance because if anyone spends too much time around a narcissist in private, they’ll quickly see that the person isn’t very kind. 

Narcissists truly hate it when someone stands up to them and demands better treatment. Often times you have to go no contact and cold shoulder to a narcissist in order to save your own sanity. They will never understand the reasoning and common sense in the way that everyday humans do, it’s simply not part of their world. They don’t have the close-knit family, they don’t have unconditional close friendship bonds, and if they have children, well the children eventually grow up and become the same as their parent or distance themselves for protection of mental health. 

Narcissism sucks. It goes undiagnosed more often than not, and they can win at any argument. I’ve dealt with a few narcissists in my life and while we all have narcissistic tendencies from time to time, a true narcissist is a dangerous soul who will bring you down and talk circles around you until you give in, just one more time. Eventually, you’ll find yourself sucked dry, depleted and living a life that wasn’t one you ever envisioned for yourself. 

Learn to see the signs of a narcissist before you get too deeply embedded into their web of lies. Here are some common signs of a narcissist to give you an idea of what to look for in a person who may have this personality disorder:

Remember, this is just my opinion, a narcassist can only be diagnosed by a profesional. 


Sunday, March 11, 2018

It’s not Easy Being Strong

Making decisions as an adult isn’t always an easy feat. It’s not like all decisions we have to make as a grown adult come easy. Some decisions are difficult, painful and can leave us feeling hurt. While the pain and hurt suck, sometimes there are decisions that simply have to be made to protect your inner peace. I’ve always been good at making decisions. I’ve never really been that indecisive of a person until recently. I kept hanging onto hope, I wanted to hope that things would be different, that the red flags I noticed earlier one weren’t really red flags. I had hope and love that things weren’t what they really were. I was told things were this way when that wasn’t real. I was led to believe a fictional tale that resided in someone else’s perception, not my own. 

One day I just woke up, opened my eyes, paid attention to the little things and noticed quite a lot more that was going on right in front my face. My hope and love for human beings, my ability to see good within bad and focus on that wholeheartedly had blinded me from a situation that simply drained every ounce of happiness out of me. I lost my spirit.  I started getting bags under my eyes. I wasn’t me. My kids noticed it too. My middle kiddo said I was crying too much, my youngest kiddo said I am not fun or happy anymore. My oldest simply told me to open my eyes. It took months of listening to my kids and actually hearing what they were saying to realize that change must happen.
Now I am not excited about this change, this adult decision is hard and will continue to hurt. Love is something that doesn’t disappear in one day, one week or one month but no matter how much two people feel that they love each other, the reality is when something isn’t healthy space is necessary. 

You can’t consume yourself in a bad situation and fight for it in the way that had been happening. When a situation has become so difficult that all that seems to take over is tensions, stress and painful memories, someone has to step up and make the adult decision to say space is necessary. It doesn’t matter how much pain I’m feeling, it doesn’t matter how difficult this is for me in some ways, I have always been one to make solid decisions based on what’s best for my kids and my own mental health.
Today I am sad to deal with this. I feel upset that I had to make such a decision, but I know it’s what’s best for everyone involved. 

After finding some stuff online in the last 24 hours, and watching how the other person is vengeful and hateful online about me, I have realized that my decision was made for a reason and I stand behind my decision confidently. No matter how many times I cry while I heal the pain from a future that could have been. No matter how much my heart aches, I have to remain strong knowing that my first job is being a mom and ensuring that not only they are safe but that I am safe. Living the way I’ve been living has not made me happy, it’s destroyed every ounce of my positivity and change had to happen. It’s simply how it is. 

So today, I tell you to be confident. Decisions you have to make as an adult are not going to be easy, they are not going to be made at a flip of a coin, but once you’ve witnessed the reality and let go of the perception someone else is trying to fill your head with … you’ll come to a solid decision based on what will allow you to heal, grow and be happy again.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Weighed Down ... Journaling Thoughts

Even the strongest of people can be fooled into thinking things are something different. The hope that each of us have as human beings is stronger for some than it is for others. I am one of those people with the high level of hope. I tend to avoid confrontation and when feeling pressured or when yelled at I will slink back and coil away from the situation. I can’t handle yelling. I hate it. It literally makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, and if I don’t actually do that, I shake like crazy and my stomach gets all knotty up.

People who’ve gotten to know me will know this about me and either use it to their advantage or take care to not be that way to me. In recent times I’ve experienced some very mean times in which I haven’t experience in years, basically since I have become a mom all those 15 plus years ago and started being a more compassionate, happy person, no one has been mean to me. Hmmm… to think back it’s actually pretty amazing that I haven’t had anyone be mean to me in over 15 years, I guess that means I must not actually have anything wrong with me – I am a kind person who deserves kindness and got kindness. Imagine that.

Anyways, with all of that being said, I am exhausted from trying to think that things are something that they aren’t. I hear all of this big talk, great ideas or missions or reasons why something may have gone wrong or why something may have gone right. These words sound great when spoken but when I have time alone to sit deep in thought, I realize that what actually has gone on has not been okay at all. I have been left to feel as if my strength was beaten and my confidence belittled down. I feel tricked into thinking things are a “team” when in reality they are more about selfish needs. That doesn’t settle well with me. It eats at me and makes me ridiculously anxious.

So today, just like I keep doing every other day, I have to continue to figure out what’s right for me and what’s not right for me. I have to figure out what I feel is real and what isn’t real. Even though my gut is kicking my butt telling me what is right, that piece of hope deep inside of me continues to keep me thinking that I am just crazy. And why wouldn’t one who has been told they’re crazy for so long now not start to think that they are indeed crazy? That’s what mean people do to strong people, they make them feel as if they are the ones being crazy or in the wrong only to make their own self feel better and look better.

I’ve always kept it real online and in real life, I will continue to do so. It’s time I got back to what I need in my life and if anyone else doesn’t like my honest thoughts that I know usually help someone else, then they are going to have to deal with that. Me getting back to being honest in my writing isn’t a bad thing, and it’s not meant to be mean, it’s simply meant to start being real again so I don’t feel so weighted down by other people’s issues.

Friday, December 29, 2017

Life is Difficult Sometimes

After becoming a parent there was much for me to learn. I remember my first born child being pretty easy going, the years passed and she really wasn’t ever that difficult to deal with. I understood how she thought and could always seem to find a way to connect in a way that worked to encourage her to be who she is and be confident. The teen years are proving to be a little harder, but not as hard as I’ve heard others have to deal with. My two sons were born later on and with that came the need for me to learn more about raising boys. About three years ago my middle child, firstborn son, was diagnosed with Aspergers and that took me down another chapter of learning how to parent a child on the spectrum. With each difficulty in parenthood, I adapted and I learned. With each step, I had my heart fully in it, because I know parenting is the most rewarding job. At the end of the day, your kids still love you, especially if they feel like you are treating them like a person.

When it comes to relationships, it isn’t as easy as parenthood. You don’t  get that unconditional love that comes from the parenting gig. That love tends to come with conditions, and sometimes you meet someone who only expresses love when they want or needs something. As time goes on, you start to see that you are not treated as you should have been treated. The lack of compassion and empathy towards you, as an individual adult fades or really was never there, depending upon how clear your hindsight is and in turn you start to become bitter. I am all too familiar with bitterness setting in, I’ve been there. I have let bitterness consume me in the past and it led me nowhere fast. Being negative doesn’t get results, so I made a conscious choice on November 16th to start committing to myself. To let go of bitterness and to only take one day at a time.

Fast forward to current date, I literally feel my stomach in knots every day. I am told that I should do this or I should do that. I was shown “love” for about two weeks until it grew tiring and draining, which is what I’ve been living for months. When there comes a time that you are emotionally and physically drained from having been hurt too deeply, it’s time to really think about action steps. What the action steps are, will depend upon what you truly feel within your whole being. You have to take a look deep within and make a decision that brings inner peace. Sometimes this inner peace only comes from stepping away from the difficult times or difficult scenario so that you can test your true commitment to someone.

You can’t test the commitment to another human without stepping away. Getting through difficult times will sometimes take a drastic measure especially if the kind gestures were only being done as a means to cover up the mistakes made. Once you have deeply wounded someone, it’s not as easy as engaging in acts of kindness, it’s about a deep change and when all I see is depression, no talking and signs that would usually spin me into a hurtful response; I stopped. I pause. I reflect.

I realize that no more will I get bitter and angry at stuff. If someone wants to continuously hang around just to inflict hurt and pain on someone – they don’t love that person. That’s the truth and in turn, you have to face reality, because they won’t face it when they have everything they need right here. Why would they leave when they have it made? I made that commitment to myself for a reason because I have three kids that need their mom at 100% more often than not. I am tired of living at 25% and having stomach pains because of the anxiety of not knowing what the next outburst, hateful comment or manipulative action will be. I deserve to live in peace just like everyone else.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Crap! My Credit is Actually Increasing

My first months of being an adult were fun, interesting and well challenging. Just like everyone else who turns 18 and must make some decisions on what to do next, I was making those decisions. Ha! Just kidding, I totally blew off age 18 and made horrible choices, became friends with people who weren’t real friends and ventured down a path that was full of bad decisions. I am not sure when I smartened up or grew from those bad decisions, but I can tell you that age 18 brought about a lot of issues. I was receiving credit cards in the mail left and right. I didn’t even apply for them.

I remember thinking it was weird that companies were just sending me credit cards, I almost think that I wasn’t even quite 18 when the first one arrived. I had so many credit cards that I could charge just about anything. I remember having a Sears card, a Fashion Bug card, quite possibly up to five regular credit cards and those as just the ones I remember. Credit cards became my addiction. I charged everything and I wasn’t working enough to make payments in a timely fashion. I cannot recall how it all went down, I just remember that I shot my credit at age 18.

This may be why as an older adult I started to be more budget savvy. I started to be less of a spender and more of a saver. I learned that credit is important and once you destroy it, you can’t build it back up too easily. Your credit score matters for rental applications, job applications and so many other things in life. A bad credit score can leave you without being able to rent a decent place, buy a decent car or even survive in a reasonable way. Your credit score ultimately defines your lifestyle in many ways. That little number will matter more than anything else in life because the higher it is – the more chances you have to get further in life.

With all of that being said, a bad credit score doesn’t mean that you totally suck. A bad credit score simply means that you, like me, are going to learn the hard way on how important a credit score is. Around July 2015 I set a goal – to rebuild my credit so that within 1-2 years I would be in a position to have a good credit score. My mission to rebuild credit within 1-2 years from July 2015 was set as a means to no longer have to pay thousands a month for home rentals. It’s exhausting having to pay over one thousand dollars to rent a place when a mortgage plus equity plus taxes can be much lower.

I set my goal in July 2015 then met my boyfriend in August 2015. Once again, I found myself in a relationship and found myself with a place that ultimately went into foreclosure. My landlords contacted me to inform me that the bank was taking over the home. Even though I paid rent every month, this is how it went. The story of my life goes something like this – I make goals and then something happens or I meet someone and those goals become a distant memory.

I swore that rebuilding my credit was not going on the back burner. This is something that is extremely important to me and can help to buy a place that will be my trio’s roots. I want ever so badly to have a home on land that the kids can come back to and call home for years to come. I want so badly to own a home or at least feel like I have some choice in being able to do that. I kept my promise to myself about rebuilding credit.

For me, step one was about dealing with my student loan debt. Those loans had gone into a bad standing but I found there were some ways to work with the debt collectors for those loans. I gave the company a call and agreed to a repayment plan. This plan was that I had to pay ‘x’ amount of payments per month for somewhere around 9 months. If those payments were made each month, then in month 8 or 9, the government would take over my loan and I could work with a regular student loan repayment plan. I accomplished this. I paid that debt collection place off and am now on a repayment plan for my student loans. Goal accomplished!

With this goal came the idea that my credit score would increase, eh, it didn’t really increase magically overnight bit over the past two years I have gone about 170 plus in points. My score is no longer poor, but it’s not “great” either. I wanted to rebuild my credit, which means I had to stop applying for loans, stop applying for credit and start paying off anything that I could pay off. I currently have more work to do but the other day I was approved for something that I haven’t been approved for since the first years of adulthood.

The other day I was able to find out that all of my hard work keeping rebuilding credit score as a goal, amidst all of the chaos, hard times and emotional roller coaster ride I’ve been on, is still there. I am still working on it, even though it’s not in the forefront of my mind. I could look at this as a failure, because remember in July 2015 I made a goal to be in a position to look at homes for sale with a pre-approval for a home loan in 1-2 years. We are now in November 2017 and while I can’t get a pre-approval for a home, I can get approved for other things. This means I am another step closer to rebuilding my credit score.

Whether you feel like your dreams are crashing down on you or not – please take a moment to look in the mirror. Try to find that one sign that things are actually moving forward. Being in a relationship and raising kids makes me feel as if I don’t matter sometimes. My relationship can be a roller coaster of emotions due to him having his own stressors that no one can solve, and often it takes me down with him. I am thankful that my credit rebuild mission is still a priority and that things are looking up for my ultimate goal of raising that credit score I ruined at age 18.